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29 January 2014 @ 09:54 pm
“You must know,’ said Estella, condescending to me as a beautiful and brilliant woman might, ‘that I have no heart—if that has anything to do with my memory.’
I got through some jargon to the effect that I took the liberty of doubting that. That I knew better. That there could be no such beauty without it.
‘Oh! I have a heart to be stabbed in or shot in, I have no doubt,’ said Estella, ‘and, of course, if it ceased to beat I should cease to be. But you know what I mean. I have no softness there, no—sympathy—sentiment—nonsense.’
… ‘I am serious,’ said Estella, not so much with a frown (for her brow was smooth) as with a darkening of her face; ‘If we are to be thrown much together, you had better believe it at once. No!’ imperiously stopping me as I opened my lips. ‘I have not bestowed my tenderness anywhere. I have never had any such thing.”

― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

19 January 2014 @ 07:20 pm
Ha! Look at that, my life's getting only worse and worse. Yesterday's dream, this hurtful art, today's United game, no money, tomorrow I have an appointment with my boss to review my first 3 months of practise, I still haven't got an appointment at the doctor, I still have to hand in several forms, of which I still lack several, I have to write a longish detailed report on my practise until the end of January and I haven't really started on it yet. Yes. Should I fail in any of these things, this will have truly severe consequences. I considered offing myself for a short moment last night. But then it occurred to me that I am 30 now and maybe shouldn't be so dramatical anymore. And it occured to me that I haven't thought about offing myself for some time which is a good sign, I suppose, that maybe I am not quite so generally and always unhappy anymore. Then I remembered that there are several things that I am actually looking forward to this year, mostly movies really... And I got three new ideas for pictures today that I really want to draw. It occurred to me also that my mind doesn't know the meaning of 'priorities'.

Which does not mean that I am well right now. I feel shitty.

I'd really love and need to read some good rough achy kinky porn of people that turn my crank. Oh wait, there is no good rough achy kinky porn of people that turn my crank that I haven't read yet. Universe why do you hate me so?

Current Mood: scaredscared
18 January 2014 @ 11:09 am
I dreamt I was pregnant.

And this morning I found this on dA, by incident. Yes, this is what I wanted my own picture to look like. Just with more of that kind of emotion that I read about, and the theme that my picture focusses on. But as the art goes, THIS is what I wanted. God, I feel so bad right now. It's gorgeous. I don't know if I'm being furious or jealous or just utterly sad. I feel embarrassed to even mention the two images next to one another.

EdiT: I want to DIE, my chest hurts, and my fingers tingle, it's so beautiful, I can't take my eyes off it!

I'll never have any of this.

Current Mood: crushedcrushed
13 January 2014 @ 08:07 pm
Oh God. Just... :"""DDD

I have no words <3 <3 <3

EdiT: I'm so proud. Of course he deserves it. How moved he was! And so emotional. Frankly, I find it astounding how much it means to him despite of what he's already accomplished in his life. And Jr, Irina, and his mother, the tears, the love and the pride. Ah! The sensations all around! So intense!
And, I mean, look at it, everyone who knows him loves him, cries for him, for me that says enough about a person to never ask about anything else.

EdiT2: I am so excited. Please, if anyone's around at some point, give me pictures! I'm sure some of you know some tumblr places or whatever. (Just please no idiot edits or graphics, please, you know...)

+ And yes, I was so proud to see Nadine Angerer walk away with the trophy. I still get shivers, she's simply amazing.

Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
12 January 2014 @ 08:12 pm
You know when you really feel like you WANT to do something and you just can't, because there is no time, there is so much other stuff to take care of and responsibilities and priorities, and you really MUSTN'T procrastinate any longer because it would have REALLY bad consequences...

I want to draw again. I really really must. It hurts not to. And the counter on my wip-folder says 127, I made a screenshot to get my head around it, it's beloew the cut, lol. And it's not even all of it, and it's all going to wither and die. And I'm going to wither and die.
I want to do new stuff that I just started on recently, and I want to do all that old stuff...

This frustration is going to kill me, I don't even... you know, I think... making artwork for myself, drawing all these things most other people don't want to write, or drawing those things that some people were so magnificent to write, is a lot like masturbating, lol.

Also, lol, funny thing, you know how one has one's Dinosaur phase and a Pokemon phase, etc in one's teenage years? As I had a lot of phases quite late, I realise that I'm also having my vampire phase sorta belatedly, haha.

... Not that I didn't have my Interview With The Vampire phase back then. The first time I ever talked to another girl about finding someone cute. It was Louis at that very moment when he stared at the burned Claudia with tears in his eyes. ... God. I was sold on the beauty of suffering right then... and pretty hair. Preferably blond. In hindsight, how weird... and endearing.
... It sometimes strikes me as... a poor choice from the universe that my interest in sadism and masochism and D/s was somewhat started, or brought forward at least, by Brad Pitt :/

Savor the addiction, savor the afflictionCollapse )

Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
08 January 2014 @ 01:19 pm
Ah, my single greatest love in German football beside Oliver Kahn - Thomas Hitzlsperger.
You know what I tentatively said ages ago? Of course I was being stupid right then, but still.


I just watched the news and that's something to come back to. It feels really good hearing him say he wants to help push the entire discussion  of homosexuality forward. Isn't that what they talked about? What they wanted to see? A national team player with skill and power, someone to look up to for his achievments and his engagement?

Congratulations, dear boy!

I'm proud. Very. ... I miss him, too *sigh* Not only the last couple of months since he ended his career. Unfortunately he's been one of the pointers to me getting old, too, lol.

So, other than that. I worked through Christmas time, that's why you haven't heard fro me then. But what with having moved out from home and basically being all alone, I thought spending the days in the retirement home aiding there I was at least doing something worthwhile instead of getting depressed in my (still mostly vacant) flat. I still brought the presents to my parents and sisters. I'm getting along with my father it seems. And that's how I want it. I'm not like my other sister, I couldn't do this 'never again speak with him and ignore him instead' thing, all the over-dramatic shit you see on bad TV shows for the folks that have nothing else to do but watch it.
I don't want to waste my time being angry or disappointed and piling up regrets. What good does it do? I want to be at peace.
Silvester and New Year I spent with my mother and my favorite sister. It was fun. We had a firework called 'Dance of the Vampires' (actually in German and it was magnificent and splendid. Blood red and then those sparks would burn away in fire and turn to ashes one by one. Absolutely beautifully poetic.

In less positive news: I'll never drink alcohol again. I went out with a couple of girls Friday night and I still felt miserable on Sunday. I'm pathetic like that. Used to hold my liquor so well... -_- Also, in what way is putting cocktail decorations in your hair, you know, umbrellas and such, embarassing? I think it's pretty.

And I still have to write a report until the end of January.

I miss being free!!!! How do people manage all this work?! Every day??? All my new and old fandoms suffer!!!!!!
Current Mood: contentcontent
18 November 2013 @ 03:46 pm
The internet's been really slow lately, I hardly got on the last few days :/ But that's what you get for moving next to the woods, lol.
Something I had in my folder for, uhm, over a year now? May-be. It's a picture for lady_quark s football AU 'If There Are No Witnesses, There Is No Crime' which is, as I have understood, on a sort of temporal hiatus, right?

Football RPS; Cristiano Ronaldo/Wayne Rooney. SFW.

The murdered DO haunt their murderers, my dear. ;)

+ Assassins +Collapse )

And now I'm off to see after my mother, hoping the internet's still there when I return.
Current Mood: busybusy
13 November 2013 @ 10:50 am
All right, I'm afraid I'm super late for work, super late posting of course anyway, why break with longstanding traditions, so I can't type the more indepth introduction that I know no one cares for but I had I had still planned.Thus: My bits and pieces for marvel_bang .  Once I'm back tonight there might be talk. Just know that God, I wish my artwork ws even remotely as I could see it in my head when I read f0rcryin0utl0ud 's story, but as always I have disappointed myself. It's been aching, stressfull bliss, I know how to pick that. And as I mentioned in the previous entry, I felt like it was written for me (which of course is an asuming thing to say, lol, sorry, but I loved it.)
When I get back I'll also post to AO3. As always please click the images for the original sizes as they're all scaled down (a lot, LJ is fucking with me).

Story Title: Broken Threads
Author name: f0rcryin0utl0ud
Characters/Pairing: Steve/Loki, hints of Coulson/Clint/Tasha, Steve Rogers, Loki, Bruce Banner, Phil Coulson, Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanov, Thor
Fandom/Universe: The Avengers Movieverse - Post Movie
Rating: PG13
Word count: 15,574
Warnings: Loki's mouth being sewn shut.
Summary: Nothing's been the same since New York. At least, that's what Tony keeps saying. The truth is, nothing has been the same for Steve since he woke up seventy years in the future, everything and everyone he knew long since gone.

Note: The story is on AO3 and will go members-only in a month, so please don't miss it.
Note 2: Be aware that the artwork includes a cover and illustrations that are somewhat spoilery.

B r o k e n T h r e a d sCollapse )

10 November 2013 @ 10:52 pm
I just spend the last 10+ hours straight working on artwork for the marvel_bang Yeah, I said I didn't want to do this kind of thing right now, not tie me down etc. for lack of time etc. And I believed that when I said it.
... But then I was out of the internets for a while... and I was stressed, and a bit annoyed and generally frustrated with lots of unreleased energy, and life of a grown up person is really tough and demands stupid attention... so then I got back on the internets  one night. I thought let's do something else altogether, because you don't have the time for anything your friends have done lately anyway... and there was the artist claiming post for the marvel_bang. And I looked, just to see what I was missing really. Just to hurt myself by counting how often that one pairing that I hate will be written. And stuff happened. Actually so fast I had no time to get any defense mechanisms started. It's always that way, no? I did not see that one coming. I suppose I should have. Maybe. I was surprised though. But it's fun. It's a beautiful, melancholy story. And it... it's like it was written for me. You can tell from details.

So yeah, it's Steve, of course - why would I want to do anything that's not him, and it's someone else, someone that's not Bucky, and not Peggy, and not Wade. ... Someone super-popular. And you know what I'm like with super-popular things, I dislike them out of spite. And now, after looking at all those pictures, and reading the story, and drawing, now I like him. I know him for years really, first time I saw him was in unexpected circumstances that probably very few fans of today have seen him in, and I never thought that way about him. And now I do. Dammit.

Anyway, posting time is Wednesday, and I'm nervous.

Also, lol @ all the other football fans who think they're oh so much better. See how we care :)
Current Mood: artisticartistic
25 October 2013 @ 09:25 pm
Oh God Oh God Oh God...

I can't deal with that!!!
Bucky Q_Q
And yay, Natasha!

I'm so excited...

I'm going to cry.
Please don't let this be mindless Hollywood action... please please, please be as you're supposed to be.

*sigh* I'm so out of the loop in regard to a ton of things going on out there. It's a struggle if internet and tv are both scarce. I almost missed that Thor Dark Kingdom is in the theatres... Hell, I almost missed the U.S. government shutdown... I did not miss the spying news though, whish I had.

Anyway, it's going to be rough for me for some time yet; money is quite little as well since I need(ed) almost everything for my new flat, and organising what to pay and when and what the hell do I need anyway/where does electricity and water come from?! that most grown up people in the world must learn to do/understand at some point in life is something I'm quite new to, despite my age... I hope I'll still find some familiar faces on lj when I manage to be back here more permanently.

Alright, ending here, have to safe the one poor flower pot on the balcony before the storm kills the plant.
Current Mood: excitedexcited